Paid in Full
by AnnaMorrison
Summary: Set right after Twilight ended, then after closing of Kill Ari, Part 2. Tony's feelings and throughts following Kate's death and her funeral. One Shot, pretty dark, no slash.


**Hi guys!**

**It's me again... don't worry, I haven't forgotten my other stories about NCIS, I'd just say they're on hiatus until I know the right direction to continue. My life is chaotic enough lately and there's little time and strength left for writing, and as much as I hate to admit it I'd rather not publish at all then feeding you with crappy stories. **

**You may wonder why I'm posting a new story without finishing the already existing ones. The answer's simple. This just needed to get out NOW. This story served as my psychical therapy, and maybe that's why it took me just several days to wrote it from the first letter to the last. A lot of things happened lately that took my living force a great deal. There has been a tragic and unexpected loss of someone very dear to my family and families so very close to mine that it almost makes us of affinity several months ago which I'm still recovering from. This story was born from a part of that pain so please, don't hate me if you find it too perplexed or unworthy of reading. I'm still very curious of your opinion so if you get a chance, feel free to drop a review. I promise to provide the best feedback possible.**_  
><em>

**As usual, my deep gratitude goes to my great friends - LD100, my drive to finish this story and finally leave the past behind (whoch is, let's face it, so hard but necessary) and Drama-Duchess, my lovely beta and advisor. **

**The title of the story comes from a great song by Sonata Arctica - Paid in Full, which I've been having on repeat while writing this along with two more songs - Sound of Silence by Simon & Garfunkel and Advertising Space by Robbie Williams. Selected lyrics of all three songs can be found in the story itself.**

**Enough worthless chat from my party, may you enjoy this story as much as you can.**

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><p><em>Hello Darkness, my old friend,<br>I've come to talk with you again..._

_Simon & Garfunkel: The Sound of Silence_

As he stared into her lifeless hazel eyes, he felt himself falling apart. Her eyes were still widely open, looking up to the sky. Had it not been for the red spot between them and the puddle of blood spreading on the concrete floor below her head, he'd say she was just watching the sky, guessing figures and shapes in the clouds or had it been later in the evening and the sky clear, observing stars and constellations. Not that he ever thought of her doing such silly things, but he did them as a boy. Even now, he sometimes secretly drove away from the city lights into the darkness of nature and spent hours just lying on the grass of some hill watching the stars. He desperately wished her to be watching sky. To be watching anything. But as much as he struggled against it, a part of him knew Kate wasn't watching anything anymore.

Her pretty eyes were open but unseeing and dulling with every passing second. A soft wind lifted a strand of her hair that covered the entrance wound, briefly allowing Tony to let himself believe that it hasn't happened - that Caitlin Todd just hadn't been shot point blank in the head and that his own face wasn't covered in her blood. Tony thought over and over again, _Oh please let her be just looking at the cloudy sky guessing figures and shapes._

The illusion lasted just for a second or two, until the evil strand of hair blew away. He watched it take off and eventually landing in the ever-growing red puddle of blood. Tony felt himself sinking to his knees. He reached his hand to close her eyes, unable to stand seeing them open anymore when they couldn't see. A strong hand grabbed his wrist, snatching it away from the body. Tony looked up to see Gibbs bent over, his face just about a foot from his own. Gibbs wore the strangest expression Tony had ever seen, almost as if he couldn't decide whether to be angry, to cry, to leave or to give Tony a hug.

"You can't touch her now, DiNozzo," he said gently, his eyes hovering uncertainly over the fallen woman. "She must be intact...when Ducky gets here."

"I – I just wanted..." Tony blurted. Wanted what? To close her eyes? Touch her cheek? Pull her eyes out of the blood stain? Feel the entrance wound on her forehead to make sure it was real? Perhaps to collapse next to her and wish he was dead too?

"I know," Gibbs said in a tone one would use to a small child when trying to explain to them why the old dog they grew up with won't be waking up. "I know, Tony. C'mon...get up."

The older man pulled Tony up by the armpits. With weakened strength from the plague, Tony felt the weight of being pulled up. He still couldn't tear his eyes off of Kate. He doubted if he even blinked once since he snapped his eyes close from the spray of blood hitting him. He couldn't remember.

"You're bleeding," Gibbs muttered. As he turned to him, Tony saw the lead agent frowning. Tony reached into his vest pocket slowly and pulled out a pack of tissues. He usually didn't have them on him but after him nearly suffocating from the fluids in his lungs, he still coughed... a lot. Thankfully not as much as in the hospital but certainly more then he'd like. He remembered Gibbs looking at him critically every time he started coughing in the last two days and wondered if his boss would send him home. That wasn't the point. Of course, the point was that he kept a pack of tissues on him all the time because of the cough. Thank goodness for that.

Gibbs took a tissue from him and pressed it to Tony's temple, just at the hairline. A piece of bone must have nicked him - a piece of Kate's skull. It wasn't a deep cut. In fact, it was only below the upper layer of Tony's skin, which could be easily hidden in the splatter of Kate's blood, but still, it somehow mattered to Gibbs. Tony was too shocked to care right now.

Gibbs decided against wiping the blood off of Tony's face. He knew it'd only scare the younger man and he needed Tony to put up for a little longer. He needed him to be strong and hold on. Then maybe later, he'll let him shatter because there was no way of avoiding it. Everything hurt. Tony hurt. Gibbs hurt.

"Tony," Gibbs called with his harsh tone coming off as a bark. Gibbs immediately changed the tone. Last thing they both needed right now was more harshness. "Tony, listen to me. Go to McGee. You hear me? McGee doesn't know. I want you to go down there, update him on the situation and stay there with him until I tell you otherwise."

Any other time Tony have been offended and probably would've thrown a tantrum about being addressed like a regular five-year-old but in that exact moment, he couldn't care less. Everything was swirling and hazy, partly colorless, and partly red. He felt nauseous, unable to comprehend what to do next. All he saw was Kate's dark brown hair suddenly flying towards him, stained red, lingering on him, her form falling down with a sickening thump, and the hazel eyes staring up the sky.

He suddenly found himself staring into the barrel of gun again. For a second he was sure he found the bastard who took Kate away from him. He wanted to kill him with his bare hands. He snapped out of his trance when the person in front of him let out something that almost resembled a shriek. Tony looked up. He was beyond surprised to find the target of his rage to be Timothy McGee's face. McGee, who was still guarding his position with gun drawn.

The expression on McGee's face was that of utter horror. His eyes wide and mouth gaping. He quickly ran a nervous hand over his mouth. The skin on his forehead twisted as he checked the older agent from head to toe. Tony bitterly thought that his appearance really must have been gruesome to receive such a look. Tim inhaled a single deep breath, probably to calm himself down. And then another. He looked into Tony's eyes and at that moment, Tony already knew what he was going to ask.

"Kate," DiNozzo whispered, losing the ability to stand up as he slid by the side of their car. He sat on the filthy pavement next to a computer with a very clean, very familiar hole in the middle of the monitor. "The bastard shot Kate. He murdered her."

He saw McGee dropping to the ground next to him and wanted to reach for his shoulders but he just lacked the strength. He felt too weak to even feel. Contrary to everything Tony kept saying, he knew McGee was a big boy and capable of taking care of himself. He hadn't been there, hadn't seen her fall down like a puppet devoid of strings. He didn't have his face decorated with a spray of warm blood and brain matter belonging to a woman he loved like a sister and maybe something more.

He didn't know how long he sat there in silence with McGee. But somehow, he felt his pain and shock shifting. It didn't go away. Instead, it only shaped and changed color from dark to bright, from black to red, as red as Kate's blood. It morphed and twisted and boiled until it became white-hot anger - immense hate and rage. It was the burning need for revenge. And it gave Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo new strength.

He lifted his head. "I'm going to kill the son of a bitch."

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><p><em>I was nowhere near ready when all it ended<br>So, I hoped we could find a new day, cannot live without you._

_You gave me the chance, time and again in vain_  
><em>Now my feelings for you<em>  
><em>Every tear, every smile, paid in full<em>

_Sonata Arctica: Paid in Full  
><em>

The funeral went smoother than Tony expected. He was still plagued by memories of her. But at least, the rage and obsession for revenge subsided – partly because the target was taken down by an even more bloodthirsty Gibbs and partly because he had a bit of time to cope with the loss, though it will never be enough. He figured Kate wouldn't have wanted him to turn into a vengeful beast with killing as the only purpose for existing. He wasn't Ari.

He walked down the familiar steps to Gibbs' infamous basement. He knew he'd find his boss there and, as much of a private person Tony was, he desperately didn't want to be alone. He spent majority of the evening with McGee having drinks at the bar. Then, he drove the slightly drunk McGee to Abby's apartment to check on the not-so-very-little pixie. He left McGee there. At least they'd have each other if they needed to talk. Together, they would be just fine. On the way to Gibbs' place, Tony called Ducky out of habit. So now, it was only El Jefe that remained.

Gibbs was already waiting for DiNozzo with a glass of bourbon in hand. Somehow, he knew it was only a matter of time before DiNozzo showed up. He handed the extra glass of bourbon to Tony.

"Thanks," Tony muttered and took the glass.

When he lowered his eyes to the floor, he saw a red stain on the floor boards, undoubtedly caused by blood and froze in his tracks. Of course, Tony knew that Gibbs eliminated the cracked bastard Ari. He just had no idea that Gibbs would've done it in the temple of wood and silence of his basement. Tony drew the conclusion that it was Ari's blood. There was no other explanation. The scent of fresh wood mixed with a hint of alcohol was now slightly off balance due to the addition of a metallic-like, acid smells of blood. The stain looked already taken care of by intensive scrubbing.

"No bleach?" Tony asked quietly.

"Had no time to run to the store," Gibbs answered in a tone like one would use to comment on the weather.

"Oh," Tony bowed his head and went to sit beside the stairway. "You could have told me, Boss."

"No need to," Gibbs replied, sitting down next to him with the half-full bottle of bourbon in his hand and a glass in the other. "It'll go down on its own." He put the bottle on the floor between them for easy reach.

Tony nodded. "What did you do with the body?"

Gibbs took a good swallow of the bourbon before answering. "Ziva David took it back to Israel."

"I heard her list of connection's pretty impressive," Tony mumbled. "Smart vixen."

"One of their best." Gibbs agreed and threw a sideways glance at his subordinate. "You've finally met your match."

"I've met that in you years ago, Boss."

Gibbs gave him a very light head-slap, so light it might have actually been a fatherly stroke. "Don't be cheeky."

Tony smiled. Suddenly, he remembered why he was spending a Friday night in his boss' basement rather than doing something like going to a movie with Kate, after finally talking her into it. His mood immediately dropped back to the pre-funeral state. "I miss her already."

"I know," Gibbs replied matter-of-factly and upon finishing his glass, refilled it with more of the amber liquid. Tony noticed how Gibbs didn't seem to mind wasting something that must have cost him a fortune, considering Gibb's expensive taste in alcohol.

"I don't think I'll ever stop missing her."

"I know."

"You're not gonna lecture me about being emotionally involved?" Tony slurred a little. He already felt the drink starting to have an effect on him. It had been pretty long since he last had something this strong. It made him say things he'd be reluctant to say while completely sober.

"No," Gibbs shook his head mildly. "You lost a comrade. Not feeling anything would make you heartless, not obedient of rules."

"Well, you're holding it up together so nicely," Tony opposed and took a refill of his glass.

Gibbs did a good job suppressing the flinch so Tony wouldn't notice. He didn't want the younger man to know about the feelings that took over him while drowning in his own guilt over Kate's death. He was convinced he'd gone mad when he thought he saw Kate's ghost standing there before him with a neat red bullet hole between her eyes. It took him a long time – even after Ari's death and Kate's funeral – to finally come to terms with the situation and realize that there was little he could have done to make things different. Nonetheless, it still hurt to know she wasn't ever coming back.

The additional counseling for coping with the deaths of his wife and child had given him some perspective. Thankfully, it was something Tony's never experienced. Gibbs hoped he would never have to go through something like that. Tony was very fond of Kate, might have even loved her in his own way, but they weren't that close yet.

Yes, he was holding it together way better than Tony, but Gibbs couldn't afford to lose himself in his grief. He still had people to deal with, and Tony himself needed him to be the strong one right now. More than ever, it occurred to Gibbs that it was always DiNozzo who watched people from behind, making fun of them and generally acting like an idiotic 12 year old. However, when it mattered, he was there every time and helped as much as he could and then some more. Gibbs wondered when was the last time someone took care of Tony, well, aside from Gibbs himself. Not that he would refuse the younger man, but he felt a bit outraged at the others for neglecting DiNozzo and his issues, even though Tony barely allowed anyone see the issues.

As much as he hated to admit it, Gibbs noticed Kate always gave Tony hell. DiNozzo was a pain in the rear and annoyed the crap out of her on daily basis, but as a profiler, Kate was supposed to see beyond that. She should have seen the real Anthony DiNozzo beneath all the teasing and pranks, and that it was just a cover for a desperate need to impress everyone, that he was convinced that he was never worthy enough of the attention. Instead, Kate usually shot him down immediately with cruel remarks. Though, Gibbs held no grudges had it been fair play. While Tony's jokes were bothersome, they were innocent but Kate returned them with blows below the waist. They were punishing and sometimes even hurtful words. In fact, Gibbs caught Tony's offended expressions several times. There were moments Gibbs wanted to tell Kate to go easy on the insulting and cut Tony a little slack. But he just wasn't sure whether Kate saw past the façade or whether she saw and used the knowledge. And now, he never had the chance to know.

"Were you expecting me to be a blubbery mess?" Gibbs asked, instead of telling Tony any of the million and a half things he wanted to tell him (or things he knew he'd never tell him). Deep down, the two of them were uncomfortably similar; neither of them could voice their feelings towards one another and hoped that the other would take the hint. After four years of working together, they probably have because the words would basically just state the known. It just never hurt to actually hear the words every now and then.

"No, no, Boss," Tony fidgeted uncomfortably. "It's just... I wonder how you can deal with it so...so calmly. And don't tell me you don't feel any pain. There's just one RoboCop out there."

Gibbs couldn't help himself but smile. "I do. You know I do."

"Yeah...sorry, Boss," Tony muttered and blinked quickly. "Oh, right, I know," he added quickly and slapped his own head. "Rule number 6, I haven't forgotten."

"Good," Gibbs nodded. He squeezed Tony's shoulder. "Let her go, Tony. She would want you to let her go. Hurts like bitch and takes literally forever to do right, but in the end, it's not like you have much of a choice."

"So you want me to forget her?" Tony asked with distress in his voice. "Tabula rasa, that's it?"

"Never said that," Gibbs looked at him sternly. "You will never forget, but you don't need to torture yourself over the possibilities. It won't save her and won't help you either. Nobody's blaming you."

"Except me," Tony shrugged miserably.

"You're always blaming yourself," Gibbs noted. "No way could you've seen that coming."

Tony said nothing, only tightened his fist, which Gibbs noticed. He'd take the blame. It was just who DiNozzo was.

"Look Tony, first of all, I should've never allowed you to be on the case. And don't look at me like that – you know it doesn't work on me. You almost died two weeks before that. You should have still been in bed recuperating. Do you have any idea what hell Ducky gave me after you walked out of autopsy after the explosion?"

"I was okay," Tony defended. "I _am_ okay."

"You certainly didn't look okay to me at the time," Gibbs growled. "Somehow, you still don't look okay to me now."

Tony knew about the dark circles under his eyes and the ashy skin tone. He definitely knew about the visible weight loss caused by the long stay in the hospital and the almost complete neglect of food ever since Kate died. He'd have to start eating properly and work out to get back in shape again, or Ducky would definitely beat him into oblivion with his golf clubs. Not to mention being under the watchful eye of Gibbs. He knew he would be a mother hen of the McProbie himself whether he admitted it or not.

"I will be," Tony whispered simply. It felt like a confession and felt like believing it himself.

Caitlin Todd will always remain a chapter of his life that will definitely hurt, but he also felt like finally letting a bit of the hurt leave him. Gibbs was right – it was going to be a long-term journey. A piece of Tony died with Kate on that rooftop, but somehow he was aware of the fact that she would not have wanted him to dwell on the pain forever. She would've wanted him to let go and as reluctant as he was, he started doing just that.

_There's no earthly way of knowing  
>what was in your heart when it stopped going<br>the whole world shook  
>a storm was blowing through you...<em>

_Robbie Williams: Advertising Space_

THE END

**Hope you enjoyed this one.**


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